


A Cold And Broken Hallelujah

by lil_sis24



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: F/F, and a happy ending of course, angst and then fluff, because how else could I end a fanfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-04
Updated: 2017-02-04
Packaged: 2018-09-21 23:26:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9571577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lil_sis24/pseuds/lil_sis24
Summary: Erin thinks too much, Holtz plays the piano and sings. There's jealousy and cold shoulders and crying and talking it out. Holtzbert.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I got the idea for this fic while listening to Kate McKinnon singing Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen on repeat, so I suggest that you start listening to it when Holtz starts playing in the fic. ;) adds to the feels, honestly.   
> Also, please note that this is not beta read and that English is not my first language. I feel that the way I wrote the characters made the most sense in my head in the situations I put them in. I hope you like the story! :)

Erin was tired. She went home a few hours ago already, as it had been a slow day at the fire station, and was now sitting in her living-room, trying to read a book.

There had been no ghosts to bust, Abby was still working on editing a chapter of their new book and Erin had to wait for her to be finished with that task before they could discuss what else to add. Somehow, a slow day tired her even more out than one full with action. She yawned and decided to go to bed. It wasn't that late yet, but she had already had a small dinner and if she couldn't concentrate on the book, she could just as well get a few more hours of sleep in. Right?

 

 

Thirty minutes later, freshly showered and dressed in comfy pyjamas, Erin crawled under the covers. As soon as her head hit the pillow, she was suddenly wide awake. Too many thoughts went through her mind at the same time.

Holtzmann had said she'd be optimising Erin's “special gun” but so far, she hadn't gotten it back. Why was Abby taking so long with editing the last chapter?

Why has she been so tired and why couldn't she stop thinking right now and just go to sleep?

“Oh, who am I kidding. It's not like this hasn't happened a million times before.” Erin mumbled to herself.

Especially thinking about Holtzmann… It always started with thinking about something work related and then something that Holtzmann was working on for her (which made her feel special… the way Holtzmann got all excited when she liked her new creation…) that made the thoughts turn into dangerous thoughts. Yes, dangerous, She considered them very dangerous, actually. Because having a thing for your co-worker was bad enough, in Erin’s opinion (and after her last “relationship” an actual no-go for her), but falling for your female co-worker when you thought of yourself as straight for all your life… It was eye-opening and strange and filled her with all the anxiety that could fit into her body and steal her breath.

But it wasn’t just “a thing” she had for Jillian Holtzmann, if she was being honest with herself. It was way more than just a crush. She was madly in love with her. She loved all the quirks of the blonde, all her edges and “bad sides” just as much as the rest of her. So it wasn’t just some weird admiration or attraction as she first thought. Oh, she was very very attracted to Holtzmann… But that definitely wasn’t all there was to it.

She loved her with all her heart. But after denying they were dating (back then she was still in the denial state of things and she felt so bad for crushing Holtzmann’s heart - she knew she did) she just couldn’t bring herself to talk to Holtzmann about it again.

So she just showered her in attention and looked at her with what Abby called “heart-eyes” - yes, Abby knew and tried to get her to talk to Holtzmann about it.. But had been futile, so far. She was just too afraid. What if she had ruined it that day? She probably had. She ruined everything all the time. She had ruined tons of friendships with her weirdness throughout her life. And this friendship with Holtzmann meant too much to her to destroy it with her inability to be in a relationship. Or that was what she liked to tell herself, anyways. She wasn’t sure of anything anymore.

With a sigh she sat up again. If she couldn't sleep, she could just as well get some work done and these thoughts were not helping. Work would at least be distracting.

 

With another sigh she got up, changed into warmer sweatpants and a hoodie and went to the kitchen to make herself a cup of tea. While she waited for it to be done, she picked her earlier discarded book up and started reading.

  
  


Hours had passed, her tea long forgotten and now cold, Erin was almost finished with reading the book. It was about elementary particle physics and while she knew a lot, this book opened a whole new way of thinking to her. With a sudden idea she sat up straight, eyes going wide. She had been working on an equation, back at their lab, but it had never quite worked out. Now, with the new directions the book had spiralled her thoughts into, she might be able to actually work it out!

Hurriedly she slipped into her shoes, grabbed her keys and made her way to the fire station.

 

* * *

 

 

When she arrived, the fire station was dark, so she figured she was alone. Or, well. Thinking about it, Holtzmann might still be there but hopefully asleep by now. Erin wanted her to be rested in the morning when she’d tell her about this equation, hopefully solved by then, as it might help with a new project they’d been working on together. It was still a secret because they didn’t want to excite the others when it might not work out in the end at all.

  
  


Erin stopped her train of thought, turned on the small lamp that lightened up her working area and the white board she was working on and focused her thoughts on her work.

She was so absorbed in her work, she didn’t hear footsteps approaching.

“Erin?” a voice softly asked.

The physicist jumped. “Oh my god, Holtz! What are you doing…. up…?” She trailed off when she noticed that Holtzmann wasn’t alone. There was a brunette woman with her, holding onto her elbow, a light smile on her face.

Her heart instantly dropped and her face transformed into a careful mask of neutrality. She had that one perfected over years of being tormented by classmates and right now, Erin felt grateful for that. Otherwise she might have started crying right then and there. There was only one reason Holtzmann wasn’t alone and the woman with her was smiling and holding onto her. They had been out to a date. Holtzmann didn’t like her anymore. She had ruined a chance on happiness because she’d been too afraid of ruining it and now, with doing nothing she actually had. Her heart broke and while she thought all of this, she didn’t catch a word Holtzmann had said.

“Huh?”

“Are you okay, Erin?” Why did she keep on calling her Erin?? She never called her Erin. Er-bear or hot stuff. But “Erin” was rare.

“No. No, I’m not okay. But it’s all right. Nothing I’m not used to. Go on now, Holtzy, go on and enjoy your date.” she said and tried a small smile. She wasn’t sure she succeeded but tried to hold on to the thought that she did.

“You haven’t heard a word I said, have you?” Holtzmann asked with an uncertain smile on her face.

“No and to be honest, Holtzmann, I’m not sure I can follow you right now, anyway” Erin vaguely gestured behind her to indicate her work on the white board. Her voice sounded strangled to her own ears. She saw Holtzmann and the woman exchanging a look, then Holtzmann patted the woman’s hand and she nodded. I’ll call you later”, the woman said, kissed her on the cheek and with a nod to Erin, left.

  
  


Erin looked after her and when she looked back to Holtz, she found herself closely watched with an intense gaze.

“What?” she started to be irritated. She just wanted to finish her work and go to sleep for a few hours, at least.

“You’re being weird, Er-bear.”

“Oh, so now that she’s gone I’m Er-bear again” Erin was seething now and she wasn’t quite sure why.

Holtzmann just stared at her in bewilderment.

“I think you should leave, Holtzmann. I have work to do.” Oh how her heart hurt. Why did it hurt so much. Holtzmann didn’t like her anymore. Not in *that* way, anyway. So she could just move on as well. She hung her head, took a deep breath and then another before gripping her marker tightly and looking at her equation again.

 

 

Only a few minutes in, the sound of a piano drifted down from the second floor. Erin stopped all her movements, even stopped breathing when she heard Holtzmann’s voice started to sing an all too familiar song. She had once shared with Holtz that she had two songs that she absolutely loved. Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen was one of them. She couldn’t believe she was singing it now.

And before she realised what she was doing, her marker had dropped down to the floor and her feet made their way upstairs.

She followed the sound as if drawn by a siren, through Holtzmann’s lab to the other side of the room. There was a door that was usually closed, Erin always thought she might have spare bed there for the nights she didn’t make it home. Now the door was open and the sound of the piano and Holtzmann’s voice came from behind it. And indeed. As she reached the door, she saw Holtzmann sitting at a piano, yellow glasses perched on top of her head, eyes closed, swaying gently to the music she was playing, singing with conviction and with so much feeling, that Erin suddenly had tears in her eyes. She couldn’t look away from her. Couldn’t stop the tears at all.

When the first tear started falling, Holtzmann opened her eyes and looked straight at her, as if she’d known she would be standing there.

“I did my best, it wasn’t much, I couldn’t feel so I tried to touch, I told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you…”

Erin hugged herself and took a staggering step away from the door frame and into the room.

Holtzmann sang the last few notes and then stopped playing when she noticed Erin approach. It was so silent in the small room now, you could’ve heard a pin drop.

  
  


Erin came to a stop in front of Holtzmann, who had turned on the bench standing in front of the piano so she was facing her now.

  
  


“Erin… Can you tell me what’s going on now? Please?” Holtzmann asked quietly.

The physicist couldn’t hold back the sobs any longer. She hugged herself even tighter and shook her head, then nodded, then shook her head again.

Holtzmann stood up and made to hug her but then thought better of it.

“Can I hug you?” Sometimes Erin didn’t like to be touched.

Erin nodded again, though. “Y-y-yes, ple-e-ease.” she said through the sobs. At least one last hug before she told Holtzmann the truth and possibly might even lose her as a friend.

Being engulfed in Holtzmann’s arm was one of the best feelings in the world. Erin had come to find that out shortly after getting to know her. Even when she was still in denial of her feelings, she loved hugs from Holtzmann. They were the best hugs she had ever received. They were tight, or lose, warmth seeking or warmth giving, they could be full body contact hugs, or just an arm around your shoulders in a half hug and you’d feel safe either way.

And suddenly she was wrapped up in all things Holtzmann, her arms around her neck, her hair in her face, her body against her own. Without thinking about it, her own arms loosened and instead wrapped themselves around Holtzmann’s middle.

“Shhhh… Erin… It’s okay. Whatever is going on, it’ll be all right.” Holtzmann tried to reassure but Erin just shook her head.

“No. Because I was a coward and now it’s too late” she whispered once the sobs had died down and there were only silent tears running down her face now.

At that Holtz pulled away to look at her face.

“What? No. You’re one of the bravest people I know, Erin. I mean it. You’re so so brave and I love that about you. Whatever it is, that you think you couldn’t do, there’s still time to do it. You’re not a coward. You hear me? You’re not. A. Coward.” Holtzman grabbed her by the shoulders and squeezed gently.

Erin turned her head away, she couldn’t look at Holtzmann. Now she would be a disappointment as well as a coward. Or would she? She could feel the words bubbling in her throat, wanted to let them out.

Could she risk it? A shiver ran down her spine and she shuddered.

Holtzmann let go and moved away.

Erin’s eyes snapped up, watching her move away. “Where are you going?” she asked, breathlessly, the panic evident in her voice.

“Getting you a blanket” Holtzmann answered in a clipped tone, her usual tone of voice when she was about to share something really important to her that she was serious about.

Okay.” Erin said, looking down at the floor. “Thank you” she added in a whisper when she felt the blanket being draped across her shoulders and then a warm body against her own again and a hand in the small of her back, gently guiding her towards the sofa standing in the room. She hadn’t noticed the sofa before. How had she not noticed it before? But then again, she hadn’t noticed Holtzmann’s advances for a really long time and once she had, she had been too deep in denial to do something about it. And now that she wasn’t in denial anymore it was too late. After all Holtz had had a date tonight…

  
  


“It wasn’t a date, Erin. She’s my sister.”

Wait, what? “What?”

“I think you just did the thing you do when you’re deep in thought and start mumbling to yourself.” Holtzmann said with an amused twinkle in her eyes and small smile playing on her lips.

“Oh.” Erin said staring at her hands. Holtzmann took a hold of them with one hand, the other one was still on the small of her back.

“Yeah, ‘oh’, I guess.” The amusement was even more evident in Holtzmann’s voice now.

“Oh! But… You’re not freaked out? Wait. It wasn’t a date. Your sister. Oh! OH!” Erin looked wide eyed at Holtzmann.

“I love you, Erin. Nothing and no one will change that fact. I thought you weren’t interested.”

“It wasn’t a date. You didn’t freak out when I just thought - said, that I wasn’t in denial any more. OH! You-you l-love me?”

“Yes, Erin, my Er-bear, I love you.”

A small noise that suspiciously sounded like a squeal came from Erin.

“Are you okay, Er-bear?”

“Am I okay? I’m… oh my god. I’m so in fucking love with you, I don’t know what to do with myself, where to start, what to say…” she trailed off, looking down at their now intertwined hands. How had that happened? She couldn’t remember but it didn’t matter, anyways. It felt so good, to feel Holtzmann’s hand in hers, so so good and so right.

The hand in hers started to move, trailing up over her wrist, up her arm and over her shoulder and neck to end up cradling her face.

“You can start by kissing me… And then we’ll see about the ‘fucking’ part of your statement, there..” Holtzmann said with a salacious wink.

Erin burst out laughing. And before she could stop herself closed the small distance in between their faces and crushed their lips together in a desperate kiss.

“See? You’re not a coward, hot stuff.” Holtzmann whispered in between kisses, grinning.

“Stop” Erin kissed her, “talking”, another kiss “Miss ‘I-told-you-so’.”

Holtzmann cackled, actually cackled, at that. Erin used that moment to just look at her, watch her face and then brought her hands up to put one strand of hair that had fallen out of her hair-do behind her ear.

 

“I love you, too, you know? I think I have right from the beginning, but I didn’t know, then didn’t want to see. And once I did want to… I didn’t know how to bring it up.. Or how to not ruin our friendship. But I can’t help it any more. I love you too much and just the thought of someone else holding you like this, being with you like this… It killed me earlier. I couldn’t deal with it. I’m sorry I behaved like an absolute idiot.” Erin tried to explain. She wasn’t sure if she found the right words to truly convey all her thoughts and feelings. But she hoped that Holtzmann understood.

“It was a weird night, wasn’t it? But I’m glad we ended up talking about it. And kissiiiing! I could get used to your kisses, hot stuff.”

“Good. Because I plan on kissing you every day for the rest of our lives.” Erin said with a mischievous glint in her eyes and a smirk on her lips.

“Ooooooo. When do you plan to - hmpf” Erin cut her off with a long and deep kiss.

“Right now. I love you Jillian Holtzmann.” Another kiss, this one short and gentle.

“And I love you, Erin Gilbert.” Holtzmann said with a smile and a light blush on her face.

“Ohhh you’re blushing! I have never seen you blush before. I should note that in my calendar! ‘Made Jillian Holtzmann blush!’ - this will go down in histo-”

This time Holtzmann was the one to cut Erin off with a kiss. Her hands slipped into her hair, holding her head in place, while their kiss deepened.

“You’re preciously weird and I love it” she whispered and kissed her on the nose.

Erin blushed, too, now. She was quick to hide her face in Holtzmann’s shoulder, embracing her tightly at first, and then snuggling into her. A few minutes went by without either of them saying something. They just sat there, snuggled up to each other, Holtzmann occasionally pressing a kiss to the top of Erin’s head. Erin’s breathing evened out and her body grew heavy. She fell asleep, in the arms of the person she loved the most.

  
  
  
  
  



End file.
